JP Morgan Chase Bailout Bros

Oh JP Morgan Chase super bank how we love to hate you.  So apparently this amalgamation of financial wizardry fraud lost 2 billion dollars last quarter.  Gee thanks dude bros, I thought we were buds after, you know, we bailed your asses out of financial collapse.  Apparently not, apparently you are up to your old tricks again, taking huge risks, for albeit huge rewards, but still come on dudes? Not cool!

The New York Times reported that JP lost all the booty on a “misguided hedging strategy,” taking large positions in the credit default swap index.  FT Alphaville’s Lisa Pollak barked, “they may have really screwed the pooch on this one.”  Dealbreakers chief mister wizard math guy Matt “the lizard” Levine said, “this was not driven by the market moving against them (though it seems to have), it was driven by them getting the math wrong.”  Thanks Matt, for that keen insight into the exciting world of financial bullshittery.

The Bank of Morgan received 25 Billion from we the people and this is how you spend our jack JP?  Not cool.  The OG Financial goliath the Bank is named after, the JP Morgan, would not be impressed.  He bought railroads, flipped the script on 2000 times and bailed out the government, and was generally a ruthless capitalist of the highest accord.  He may or may not have been the inspiration for the Monopoly guy.  But seriously, this is how you do us?  It’s like, “OK here you go pyromaniac pedophile with a hand-grenade you burned down and raped the whole world, but you say you will be a lot more responsible with this flamethrower, here you go, we trust you….wait what?  You are burning shit again….”

So I guess get mad at the banks and bankers, but are they really to blame?  They are doing what they do.  The American people, however, can look in the mirror to find the blame for electing leaders completely beholden and willing to surrender billions of their money for JP Morgan Chase to burn.  

That

So.  How about that?  The word means an infinite possibility of awesome.  True that.  Wud up with that.  This and that.  That is hardly that.  I mean that is all that.  Think about it for a minute.  Aside from the boring old words the, and, or evil step sisters there, their, and they’re.  What do you use more on a regular basis?  That will continue to surprise you too?  What about popular slang or birthing adage, “That just happened.”  Its one of my favorites, especially when people fall down and stuff.  Or, “that guy” coupled with “And then there’s that guy.”  You are insulting someone without even doing it.  And isn’t that the beauty of that, the ambiguity, the mystery, the disdain for actual detail.

That sits on a crown (see you still don’t exactly know if I’m talking about the actual word or something else) of language use, matched by few if any equals.  It hums as a restrictive relative clause (“He took a test that was hard”).  Kills it as a pronoun all on its magnificent own, (“That was hard”).  Blows up worlds as an adjective, (“That test was hard”).  Keeps it on lock complementizing/ subordinating conjuctions.  (“She asked that he go.”) And finally, just to be a badass, that rolls as an adverb (“The weather wasn’t that bad.”) 

That sure is great.  But some people, mostly those with worthless English degrees, trying to teach a bunch of blind homeless people how to read.  Think that, shouldn’t be used so much.  That, that has no place in a formal essay.  That, that can’t be that great.  Well, in the words of the great orator Sir Mix-a-Lot, “I ain’t down with that.”  (But actually I am…Down with that…not that)